Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Empty......

I know that I just wrote yesterday.
I just don't know where else to go when I need to get things out.

Everything is so upside down, so empty and so not right in my life at the moment.
I'm frustrated - I didn't do to well in school this quarter despite all my efforts and I don't know what's going to happen. I won't know till my meeting on Monday. I have to sit and worry and wait for 5 days.

I guess whatever does happen is what is meant to be.

My family is falling apart. I watch my dad sink further and further into the most helpless I've ever seen him each and every day. He is loosing his job and his boss flies to Vegas for a Golf Outing. He orders a new company car while my dad is standing right there.

I am so scared for my family, I don't know what is going to happen to us and here I am letting everyone down.

My mom told me last night that I'm not the same person and that no one knows who I am anymore. Am I really that horrible? What about me is so bad? I didn't even sleep last night, all I could think about was what she said to me and it really hurts. Maybe she's right, maybe I am different, but I don't think its bad. In the past year I have changed, I've started working full time, I've struggled with school, I've met the love of my life, I've lost some friends and regained old ones and I've tried to stay afloat but maybe that's just not enough anymore.

I try to muster through the day at work and act like I am okay. Sometimes my job is the only thing keeping me going. Its really all that I have at this point and I'm lucky when there are so many that don't have anything.

I'm sorry to write such a depressing post because I normally don't do things like this....but I have to get it out somehow.....any advice would be greatly appreciated.

3 comments:

Caitlyn said...

I'm sorry that things are so hard right now. Your mom is probably just scared and frustrated with your dad's situation and is, unfortunately, taking it out on you. Not on purpose, I know your mom is great, but stress does weird things to people. You aren't horrible, I don't think you've changed much. Maybe a little, but that's called growing up. I think moving out will help a ton. Something I've realized since I've moved home is that adults, especially those with/on the verge of having their own families need their OWN space. You know?

Caitlyn said...

Oh, and it sound like you need a break. I still want to hang out with you tomorrow, so let me know when you get off work. We'll do whatever you want, anything that will make you feel de-stressed!

eschete said...

Life isn't easy. Some times you just need to find something that will make you happy. Being in college is not easy. Especially when you have a "real job". You just have to keep your head on a swivel and think how you can make your day better. I think everyone changes at some point in their life. Some people just take some time to adjust to who you have become.

My advice to you is that do what you think is right. Try to help your father if you can find another job. Sometimes helping someone else helps people get through tougher times

hope this helped some