Argumentative

*WARNING - this blog may end up being rather long*

Lately things have been nothing short of a roller coaster that has filled me with so many emotions, both good and bad. My mother (surprise) has been the main instigator of these arguments. I am so emotionally drained from the fighting and constant lack of respect she has toward me. I hardly sleep anymore and I'm always in a bad mood and its affecting every aspect of my life. I just want her to be happy for me and I want her to understand that I know within MY heart that I am making the right decision. She says that I've disrespected her, that I don't know how to take care of myself (mostly in aspects like washing my face and brushing my teeth - if you've ever been at my house around 9pm you'd know what I am talking about), that all Andrew and I are doing is "playing house" and that I can't keep promises I made to her. I am just so fed up and done with the arguments. On Thursday, Andrew and I are having dinner with my parents, to just sit down and talk about everything. I hope and pray that my dad does most of the talking because I can't take much more of the negative attitude my mother has.

I keep asking God if I am being punished for wanting to live with Andrew before we are married, but I don't think that is what's going on. My mom just wants me to stay, she can't come to grips with any of this and she feels that by fighting I won't want to go. But instead she is pushing me away, more and more with each mean stare or snippy phone call. My heart really can't take much more of this and I can feel myself falling apart. I've neglected so much because of these fights, not returning friends phone calls, not sleeping and not fulfilling other things that I need to do right now. So to the people that probably think I am ignoring them, I am so sorry and things will get back to normal soon!

I am so tired of having this dramatic family life, but I don't know how to be anything else. I find myself fighting with Andrew now too for no reason and its tearing me apart. I can't allow this to keep affecting my life in such a huge way. I'm tired of everyone telling me to "grow a backbone" or "just leave" because no one understands that it is just not that easy......no matter what you might think both of those options would make things worse. I am the oldest child, and a girl, so things aren't going be easy on me and they never have been before. I hate that I really only write about this in my blog, instead of about happy things.

I need a lot of prayer right now and I need to find some strength deep within me and finally break free of my mom. I wish that she would stop blaming our relationship on the fact that she didn't have a mother growing up because I think she looks at that as a way out. I pray that things go well on Thursday and that this "final dinner" will take a lot of weight off of my shoulders. I can't go on like this much longer.