Sunday, August 22, 2010

My inner struggle

I've been thinking a lot about babies, more so than I normally do (not sure what is "normal" when it comes to thinking about babies). I go back and forth in my head, and in conversations with Andrew about whether or not I/we want to have kids. I feel like if I don't, I will regret that decision, but that if I do I may feel the same way. I know that sounds horrible to the mothers I know, but really a part of me doesn't want to have kids.

I love that its just me and Andrew, our dog is kind of like a kid. I like that we can go places and do things without dragging along a baby and all of its necessary stuff. I like the thought of having extra money when I start working to go on nice vacations, buy a little sports car and to save for our next house. But then I see our niece, with her curls and blue eyes, playing so sweetly and I want to just snatch her and take her home. She makes me want to have a baby. Maybe I'm too selfish, maybe I think of myself too much, but its hard to think about having a kid.

I see pictures of my friends pregnant bellies and cute maternity clothes, then their sweet newborns so tiny and soft and my heart turns to mush. But then I read about people having postpartum depression, babies with colic and horrible labor stories and then I don't have a mushy heart anymore.

Andrews dad told us about an awesome acronym, DINK - Double Income, No Kids - and to me that sounds great! I have so much student debt and we'd love to pay off the house and just pay our taxes every 6 months. In order to do both of these things, we both need to be working. I didn't go to college for all this time to just not use my degree, I don't think there is anything wrong with being a working mom. My mom was home with us for the first five years or so, then she started teaching preschool. She was there after school and on weekends and in the summer we got to be with her at the summer camp her work hosted. I never thought my life was bad because my mom worked.

I know I still have time to decide about babies, but for now, I'm not going to think about it too much. I want to enjoy this time with Andrew, our pre-marriage, living in sin days will last a little longer I'm sure.


Steph @ Professors_Wife said...

OH my GOSH! You need to read a piece I wrote about this very same topic, as a guest post for one of my pals' blogs a few weeks ago. I struggle as well - you are not alone!

A must read:

Stephanie said...

I hear ya! I have thought about both sides, but then I think that if my parents didn't want kids I wouldn't be around... which changes my mind. I don't want more than like 2 or 3, but still. The gift of life is a huge sacrifice, but worth it in my opinion. :)

You have plenty of time!

paige said...

I've always thought I'd wake up one day and want a kid - just like my mom did. I never have. I feel the same as you. I'm even more selfish because my motivation is just not to be alone when I'm old and to have a family. Seeing babies doesn't make me want one. I just want the adult children later. I know you'll figure it out.

mypixieblog said...

I totally get where you're coming from. As someone who is overindulging in the selfish side of life lately, I can honestly say that I think about children in the not-too-distant future but want to have fun in the now, before children strip me of a lot of my independence. That being said: motherhood is NOT for everyone and that's perfectly okay! But it sounds as though you definitely are entertaining the idea: perhaps you just recognize that now is just not the time :)

Unknown said...

You know, you have plenty of time to decide. That said, having experienced both not having children and having children, it is my opinion that having kids is ultimately better **when you are ready**. Even the hard days (like today... ugh) are worth it. Of course, it could be that I feel that way now because Chaela is alseep and Will is holding Joci... ha ha.