Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The rollercoaster

The past few months have involved a lot of ups and downs for me. I may have talked a little about these things, but my heart is so heavy I need to let them out.

The biggest down is my grandpa and his battle with lung and now brain cancer. There are days when he seems better than others, but now he's on a really hard core four treatment chemo and seems a lot worse this go-round. The only place he has hair is on his arms, which strikes me kinda funny since his legs, head and face are totally bald. He's thin, but not nearly as thin as he was and he's developed a syndrome where it feels like he is walking on marbles. Its a side effect of the chemo that may or may not go away. I can tell my grandma is really worn down, both physically and emotionally. I wish I could help her out more, but my work schedule just doesn't allow me to be there as much. Thankfully my great aunt (my grandma's sister) is here to stay with them for a month and help out a little. She was a nurse in the Air Force for 35 years. My biggest fear is that he won't be here to see me get married. I know that's selfish but things just won't be the same without him there to share in my special day.

I've also been down about my career path and lack of a good income. Sure I have good benefits and what not, but things are tight and everything just keeps getting more and more expensive. I'm also going to need a different car to drive this winter as mine does not have anti-lock brakes and doesn't do well in the winter. I do have some hopeful leads for new jobs, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much right now.

The biggest ups are everything I've been able to accomplish this summer. I've done a good deal of canning (pickles and tomatoes so far), I've been keeping my house fairly in order, until my aunt came and gave me tons of stuff and Andrew and I have had a lot of fun. We've been to the state fair, the Hartford County Fair (Ohio's biggest small town fair) and we've also been able to take some fun walks and bike rides. We've got a campsite reserved for Labor Day weekend at Clear Fork Reservoir near Mansfield, Ohio and we're going to see the Ohio reformatory where Shawshank Redemption was filmed. The wedding planning is coming along nicely and I have lots of wonderful DIY ideas that I'm hoping to share soon.

I'm trying really hard not to let the bad things get me down and to focus on the good, but sometimes that's really hard for me. I'm happy to have this place as an outlet for some of my emotions.

2 comments:

Caitlyn said...

Hey! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. And you have accomplished so many great things this summer!

Jessica said...

Blogging can certainly be a good release for things like this. I know what you mean about the job market - Dearest has been hunting for a short, yet long, 3 months and so far it's just been no good.

I feel guilty for him because I think he's at this overwhelming state of mind, just as you are.

Hang in there, honey, things are bound to get better. I mean, they have to, right?