Friday, September 9, 2011

so about that positive attitude

My goal of having a good attitude this week totally went into the toilet yesterday. I've become so frustrated at this point that I can hardly control my emotions and its starting to get really annoying.

Yesterday was an insane day at work, busy, crazy and there were lots of moody/annoyed people yelling at me. Throughout the day, I was texting back and forth with Andrew about my wanting/needing a new car, things we need to buy and how we're broke as a joke. I'm so tired of feeling like we will never get ahead and thinking about all the stuff we need just makes it worse. I got depressed thinking about the recent job opportunity that I didn't get, how I hardly make any money and I feel like everything with my career is a dead end. I've got a piece of paper worth over $70,000 that hasn't done me any good. Sometimes I think I should have bought a house instead of going to college to be quite honest.

Then to top it off, Andrew's brother (who works at the same place as me and doesn't have a degree), got a promotion and raise. He constantly brags about doing nothing at work and here I am busting my butt and I can't even get an interview. I know I sound bitter and bitchy, but I just can't help it. He's worked here a little longer than me, but still I just don't feel like its fair.

I cried the whole way home from work, so hard that I could hardly see to drive. I hardly said two words to Andrew last night, I just layed my head on his shoulder and sobbed. I didn't even know how to explain to him why I couldn't stop crying.

I think its been building up inside of me for so long, the feelings of just total disappointment with my career are eating away at me. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I don't want to see my friends or even talk to them on the phone - I know that this is depression in its purest form and I hate that I've let it come back into my life. I'm hoping that spending time with a good college friend this weekend will help along with going to the walk for Ovarian Cancer on Sunday (although that's emotional too because of the women we've lost this year). I'm open to any suggestions on how to make myself feel better or if its time to seek professional help. Thanks to all of you who read this and leave such wonderful comments!


Unknown said...

Hey, I'm sorry to hear that you aren't doing well. As your friend, the first thing I'm going to say is: man, that sucks. Better workers should get promotions, not slackers with seniority. You're totally right to be frustrated about it.

Jobs have always frustrated me. I got depressed when I couldn't find one. I kept thinking, "Look at me, I have this degree from a pretty good university, I'm smart, I'm trainable, (etc). Why doesn't anyone want me? I can be GOOD at something!"

It was the worst. One night I was complaining to Will about how much of a failure I was (this was when we were unemployed and living in my parents' basement). He stopped me and said, "Look, you have an education, we have a place to live, and you have me and the girls. That IS success." (Ok, it probably wasn't so wordy, but that was basically it.)

You have Andrew and Bessie, you have a home that YOU have made a beautiful, productive, peaceful place, you have an education, your friends LOVE you (and you have a ton of them)... you are a success!

And, something I have to remind myself a lot, we're only 26! We have so much time to grow into what we want to become. As long as we're actively seeking it, we'll get there.

Amanda said...

Thank you so much Caitlyn!!! I knew you would have something good to tell me :) Andrew sort of said the same thing to me that Will told you. As much as I might feel like my degree is worthless, I worked hard to get it and people should see that. It does suck that around here crappy employees get promotions and I work extra hard at a job I don't like and no one cares.

And you are right, we are young I just want to speed up the career process....not my age lol

Jessica @ My Simply Complicated said...

Oh, girlfriend, I'm so sorry! :(

You know I can relate in some ways to this, although not in every way. But, for what it's worth, you're right, it's frustrating and annoying as hell.

I know that hearing this right now doesn't make things easier necessarily (because I say it to myself, too), but some day we're going to be able to appreciate what we have SO much more because we worked our BUTTS off for it! You just wait...our time is coming!