Monday, June 18, 2012

Pressure and Judgement

I've been starting to really stress out about my wedding and everything I need to get done.  I finally reached the goal for my savings account - thank goodness, and three months ahead of schedule so I can keep saving.

Last weekend, my mom, my maid of honor and her mom and myself all met over pizza to discuss the plans for my bridal shower and so I could try on my dress.  I should have been excited to finally see my dress in person for the first time in a while (we layed it away) but I could feel the pressure of my mom's judgemental eyes on me all night, almost as if she was hoping that it wouldn't fit.

It probably didn't help that I was moody from being gone all weekend camping in the heat and that she was also in a bad mood.  As she started to lace up the back of my dress, she was huffing and puffing telling me that I needed to loose 15-20 lbs because the dress "didn't fit."  I wanted to storm out of the house so bad at that moment.  I know for a fact that my weight has been about the same since we bought the dress four months ago.

I know that I'm not the weight that I want to be and its been a huge struggle for me over the last two years.  I'll get on track and then loose my way or I just quit trying for no reason.  I know I'm not the only person who has gone through this and its a REALLY hard thing for me admit.  I had all these insane goals for loosing so much weight before the wedding, until life happened.  I was miserable in my old job, found comfort coming home to a pile of junk food and laying on the couch.  It's no ones fault but my own.  I understand all this, but for some reason when my mom wants to talk about, I shut down.

She gives me the "gut stare" as we call it.  When I walk in a room, she looks me up and down and makes sure to focus extra on the parts of my body I hate.  She has been known to buy me clothes that she knows are too small in the hopes that maybe I'll want to loose weight.  My mom is also pretty thin (though if you were to ask her, she would say differently) and is really judgmental of most people who are overweight (which she denies).  After I got my dress off, we proceded to argue and I stormed out of the house. I didn't call her for a few days and I'm still pretty upset.  I didn't tell her that I started a 90 day fitness routine, that currently my fridge is full of fruit, veggies and lots of lean meats for dinner.  I feel its better to just leave it alone for now - I don't need all the pressure and judgment on top of my own personal struggle.

1 comment:

Caitlyn said...

Hey. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Just keep doing your best. As great as your mom can be, you know she puts WAY too much emphasis on this and goes about "helping" in completely the wrong way. No matter your weight, be happy, because YAY! You're getting married!! Andrew obviously loves you either way, and that's what matters in a marriage.