Sunday, December 21, 2008

I've been quite absent

I didn't even do Haiku Friday this week! Man, getting ready for the holidays has taken a lot out of me!

But there is something I need to get out as a part of my turning over a new "leaf" in the realm of my relationship with Andrew. As you all know, we hit a major rough patch of breakups and arguments over the past few months (early October till around Thanksgiving) and its been really hard on me and has caused many emotions to surface. We both had a roller coaster of emotions about one another that surfaced over the weekend through a series of events. We had a small arguement but then some other intimate encounters that just made it all seem to go away. But something else has been bothering me about him since the beginning and I just had to tell him that it still bothered me this weekend.

He has an ex that he still talks to and it annoys me, well it did for a while at least, I can't stand her for some reason, but she is in Africa as a mission right now so I don't feel she is a threat (she is there through August 2010 at least). But at the same time I wish she would go away. I went to school counseling (free service through my college) and vented out many of these emotions over the past few months coming to the conclusion that what her and Andrew had ended for a reason and that what Andrew and I have is good for a reason. I'll explain all this in another post once I get it all written out. I have started doing mental exercises to improve my jealous attitude and insecure behavior. I'm not ready to do meds again.....but maybe if this does not work I will.

Its been strange but over the past month as my sessions have started to wind down, I have felt myself really reconnecting with Andrew in a good way. He is more attentive to me and does more sweet little things that went by the wayside after the "honeymoon" period. Just today he went to purchase a welder he found on Craigslist that happened to be close to where I live and he just stopped by to take me to lunch, he hasn't done that in a long time. He's been more intimate as far as holding hands and kissing me and PDA I guess since that sometimes annoys him. It just feels good and I can see that in time the feelings I had of doubt will continue to fade away and become a distant memory.

I want to thank all of you for reading and listening and for offering your advice. I just want to continue to move past all of the strange feelings I have been having and keep watching myself and my life improve. Next to work on is my relationship with my family and to start working on things with my friends as well. Its not that things are horrible with them I just want to share my new outlook.

I never thought I would have to struggle again with my mental illness, my depression, anxiety and insecure personality, but sometimes life just is not easy and many bumps are hit along the way. So thank you to you all again!

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