My wedding is fast approaching and I'm getting more anxious and nervous by the minute. I've been having nightmares non-stop and some of my "favorites" include: having a sheet cake that said happy birthday, giant joker lips that wouldn't come off, frizzy hair, a dirty dress oh and this little one where the groom didn't show up!
I've been thinking a lot and wondering if married life is going to be any different. Andrew and I have lived together for almost two years so what could be different? Our last name will be the same, we'll have the same health insurance - I can't think of much else.
Having a family has also been weighing heavy on my mind. I've watched several friends struggle with infertility, loose a baby to miscarriage, struggle with a sick baby and I've also seen many who make it seems so easy. I have to admit something here: there is nothing that scares me more than starting a family.
I am petrified of the thought of being pregnant, giving birth and having to care for another human. I don't have the option of being a stay at home mom (thanks student loans and a private college) and I can't spend all of my paycheck on daycare because how will I pay those loans?! Its this double edged sword - if I have kids, I don't feel like I could give them what they deserve and if I don't I'll miss out on a big part of life. Sometimes the thought of this alone makes me break down (literally) and feel like such a worthless woman....what woman really doesn't want to have kids?!
Don't get me wrong, I know people who are HAPPY not having children. I've watched them go on nice vacations, buy nice cars and be able to do what they please when they please. That all seems very appealing. I want to pay off my loans, our house and be able to really enjoy life. I also feel like if I wait too much longer to make this decision, I'll be too old to have kids.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get out of writing this post, other than being able to expose this fear to my reading audience. Is anyone else in the same boat as me? Is there something wrong with me?