Tuesday, June 26, 2012

and I wonder

My wedding is fast approaching and I'm getting more anxious and nervous by the minute. I've been having nightmares non-stop and some of my "favorites" include: having a sheet cake that said happy birthday, giant joker lips that wouldn't come off, frizzy hair, a dirty dress oh and this little one where the groom didn't show up!

I've been thinking a lot and wondering if married life is going to be any different.  Andrew and I have lived together for almost two years so what could be different?  Our last name will be the same, we'll have the same health insurance - I can't think of much else.
Having a family has also been weighing heavy on my mind.  I've watched several friends struggle with infertility, loose a baby to miscarriage, struggle with a sick baby and I've also seen many who make it seems so easy.  I have to admit something here: there is nothing that scares me more than starting a family.
I am petrified of the thought of being pregnant, giving birth and having to care for another human.  I don't have the option of being a stay at home mom (thanks student loans and a private college) and I can't spend all of my paycheck on daycare because how will I pay those loans?!  Its this double edged sword - if I have kids, I don't feel like I could give them what they deserve and if I don't I'll miss out on a big part of life.  Sometimes the thought of this alone makes me break down (literally) and feel like such a worthless woman....what woman really doesn't want to have kids?!

Don't get me wrong, I know people who are HAPPY not having children.  I've watched them go on nice vacations, buy nice cars and be able to do what they please when they please.  That all seems very appealing. I want to pay off my loans, our house and be able to really enjoy life.  I also feel like if I wait too much longer to make this decision, I'll be too old to have kids.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get out of writing this post, other than being able to expose this fear to my reading audience.  Is anyone else in the same boat as me?  Is there something wrong with me?

2 comments:

Caitlyn said...

I could be wrong, but to me it sounds like at some point, maybe not now, but someday, you do want to have a kid/kids. If you didn't, I feel like it wouldn't worry you so much.
There's no way to guarantee a healthy pregnancy or child, it's a gamble we all take each time we decide to get pregnant. Pregnancy can be unpleasant, but it's definitely nothing to be afraid of. Birth is what it is: difficult but short. You do it once per kid and it's over.

Above everything else, don't let the money stop you. Will doesn't make much and we now have a family of five (weird). We're doing fine and we aren't even that good with money. Yes, if things stay as they are now our kids will have to pay for their own car and probably work their way through college, but there are worse things.

Anyway, if kids aren't for you they aren't for you, I don't think it's wrong for a woman to not want children. But don't let fear get in your way; you'd make an excellent mother if that's what you choose to be. :)

The Constant Complainer said...

Hi Amanda. I think what you're feeling is normal. We've all had those thoughts.

Trust me when I tell you that nothing is scarier then when you bring a new baby home from the hospital. You're standing there looking at a three-day old human, all the nurses and doctors are gone, and you're like, "Now what." But that's normal.

And wedding gitters are normal too. You worry about things going wrong, etc. The day will go fine and everything will come together. Just make sure you enjoy it and don't stress out. LOL.

Stop by my site sometime. We miss you over there. Have a nice holiday too!