Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Will there be another one?

Since Jeanette was about a month old, Andrew has been talking about having another baby.  At first I thought he was kidding, but now that this has been going on for so long, I'm 100% sure he's being serious.  I don't think he wants me to get pregnant right now, but I think the idea crosses his mind frequently.

Just the other night he mentioned that he was at the hardware store picking up some items for work and saw a brother and sister playing together in an aisle.  He remarked about how they looked to be a year or two years apart and were having so much fun together.  "How could you not want another one?  Jeanette won't ever have anyone to play with, we just have to have another baby."

I will admit, I've been thinking a lot about having another baby too, well actually more like not having another baby.  I have one brother and I am the oldest.  Andrew is the baby and has an older sister and brother.  While I longed to be an only child, Andrew says he can't imagine growing up all by himself.  I think that comes from being the youngest and never knowing anything different.  I love being a mom but worry that I could not juggle another.  I worry about the additional cost of childcare, diapers and formula if I'm unable to breast feed.  I can't be a stay at home mom, sure it would be great, but we would be drowning, even if we lived on the bare essentials.  I also don't want to leave my job, call me selfish but I love having a career and being a mother.

I like the idea of focusing all of my time on Jeanette, that we would have this very close bond and that she wouldn't have to share me with anyone.  Maybe I'm being selfish and Andrew is being level headed but it is a lot to take in.  I also look forward to this time next year, when Jeanette is 18 months old and doesn't need a bottle every four hours.  I pray she will be walking and talking and starting to gain a tiny bit of independence.  I can't imagine being pregnant again this time next year.

Being pregnant wasn't nearly as difficult as I imagined.  The lack of sleep, aches and pains and general discomfort during that last month were not fun, but I was expecting all of that.  I was expecting my labor and delivery to be "normal" as well and it was not what I expected.  

Having an emergency c-section literally and figuratively scarred me.  

I kept it together on the outside, but inside I was really struggling.  I know Andrew tries to be understanding, but I don't think he can comprehend my disappointment.  He got to hold Jeanette before I did, hell my mom even held her before I did.  I couldn't get out of bed for 24 hours.  I didn't change my daughters first diaper, I didn't get to nurse her right after she was born, she was 8 hours old before I held her skin to skin and just thinking of all these things still makes me cry.

I don't know if I could go through another pregnancy, try for a VBAC and end up disappointed with another c-section and another agonizing wait to hold and nurse my baby.  I know that Jeanette will never remember those first hours, weeks, months or even years of her life but I will and I will always remember the sadness and disappointment.

So now I have to ask the all important question, how did you decide it was time to have another?  For those of you who only have one, how did you decide not to have another?  

No comments: