so about that positive attitude

My goal of having a good attitude this week totally went into the toilet yesterday. I've become so frustrated at this point that I can hardly control my emotions and its starting to get really annoying.

Yesterday was an insane day at work, busy, crazy and there were lots of moody/annoyed people yelling at me. Throughout the day, I was texting back and forth with Andrew about my wanting/needing a new car, things we need to buy and how we're broke as a joke. I'm so tired of feeling like we will never get ahead and thinking about all the stuff we need just makes it worse. I got depressed thinking about the recent job opportunity that I didn't get, how I hardly make any money and I feel like everything with my career is a dead end. I've got a piece of paper worth over $70,000 that hasn't done me any good. Sometimes I think I should have bought a house instead of going to college to be quite honest.

Then to top it off, Andrew's brother (who works at the same place as me and doesn't have a degree), got a promotion and raise. He constantly brags about doing nothing at work and here I am busting my butt and I can't even get an interview. I know I sound bitter and bitchy, but I just can't help it. He's worked here a little longer than me, but still I just don't feel like its fair.

I cried the whole way home from work, so hard that I could hardly see to drive. I hardly said two words to Andrew last night, I just layed my head on his shoulder and sobbed. I didn't even know how to explain to him why I couldn't stop crying.

I think its been building up inside of me for so long, the feelings of just total disappointment with my career are eating away at me. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I don't want to see my friends or even talk to them on the phone - I know that this is depression in its purest form and I hate that I've let it come back into my life. I'm hoping that spending time with a good college friend this weekend will help along with going to the walk for Ovarian Cancer on Sunday (although that's emotional too because of the women we've lost this year). I'm open to any suggestions on how to make myself feel better or if its time to seek professional help. Thanks to all of you who read this and leave such wonderful comments!

Getting back to me

I've posted a lot recently about my lack of "me time" or even "free time" and I hate feeling like work has taken over my life. Right now, I'm currently the only day shift person working my position at the hospital. Until they hire someone new I don't have to work weekends, but I'm still required to work my two 8 hour shifts and two 12's so for a brief time I'll have a "normal" schedule. It will be nice to have the same days off and to have at least three weekday evenings to cook dinner and relax with Andrew.

I've decided that no matter what happens, I need to get back to the "me time" and focusing a little more on myself. I'm tired of feeling bad about the way I look or the attitude I've had about life recently. I know that I'm the only person who can change this attitude and this funk that I've gotten myself into.

I've been depressed about my job.
I've been depressed about the way I look.
I am jealous of other people my age advancing quickly in their careers.
I sometimes feel my degree was a waste of money.
I feel like we're never going to get ahead.

These are the most common negative thoughts that run through my head constantly. My goal for this week is to quit thinking like this all together.

I've also started reading a great diet book, "This is why you're fat" by Jackie Warner and after only reading the first three chapters, my attitude feels a little better. I know what I need to do to change the way I look and feel and it can only get better from here.

Catch up

Please let me start by saying I've been a terrible blogger and a lot has been going on. There may be good/bad news coming on my job front soon, I'll find out tomorrow and I'm going to try and post something about it! My grandpa's latest round of chemo is kicking him hard and he's been pretty sick, major bummer. But in the good news department, we're spending Labor Day weekend camping and I'm finally going to see the Ohio Reformatory in Mansfield, OH where Shawshank Redemption was filmed!

Also, in a little over a year we'll be getting married! Sometimes I still look down at my ring (especially this week since I had it cleaned really well on Saturday) and I'm in disbelief! I need to get back into wedding planning mode - start looking for caterers, put a deposit on our tent, meet with my photographer and go over the invitations with a good friend from my volunteer work. My little savings account is racking up a nice balance and I'm hoping something good will happen in the job department so I can put away even more money. My mom and I are planning a day to go try on dresses so that I'm 100% sure I want the style my heart is set on. I'm not really all that excited about trying dresses on because no one has a dress that I want. The general look will be something like this one.

Other than that, not much has been going on. I've been so exhausted lately and I can't seem to find a minute to do something for myself. I barely have time to hang out with my friends or even see my family. I really need something to give or change in my life so that I can get back to being me. Everything seems to be thrown on the back-burner, including one thing that's driving me crazy - loosing this weight! Maybe I need a good kick in the pants for motivation......I just don't know how much longer I can keep feeling bad about myself. Hopefully this weekend will put things back in perspective and I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Dreams and Goals

So I've been terrible about participating in anything where you link up on someones blog. I used to be so hardcore with Writers Workshop over at Mama Kat's and then, poof, I just stopped for some reason. But today while browsing one of my fave blogs Le Musings of Moi I saw her post liked up from Modily Chic on dreams and I knew I had to do this post too! Ever since I graduated in December I've been thinking a lot about my goals and dreams for my life and career. Its fun to finally talk about these things and share them with my lovely readers!

1. Fess up – if you could do anything professionally what would it be? There are a few things that I would love to do! 1) Have an event planning business and plan parties for kids and adults. There is nothing that I love more than throwing a party and getting everything organized. I think planning my own wedding has really brought this out it in me. 2) Teach other women how to be resourceful/more like a 50's housewife. Okay I know this might sound insane, but I think I'd be good at it, for real. I love to can, iron, clip coupons, clean, cook and bake and I think I could really teach other girls my age how to do all these things if they don't know how or want to get better at it. I've had friends ask me how to do several of these things I love and I've considered having a few of them over at a time and doing a little class. I know this dream might sound crazy, but who knows it might just work! Too bad I don't have a bigger house.

2. What draws you to this? My degree is in Public Relations which I think really draws me to the event planning business that I'd love to have. It was one of my favorite aspects of my internships and some past jobs I've held. As far as the "housewife lessons" its just something that I really love to do, but I think I'd be bored to tears being a stay-at-home-wife because I love working and having my own money. But should one of these businesses take off, it would be nice to be my own boss :)

3. When did you first start dreaming about this ideal? I'd say in the last year or two I really started to see how I could use my skills and knowledge. Everyone teases me about how good I am at domestic stuff, but I think its a skill that everyone should have!

4. What’s holding you back from going all in? Money is the major factor since I have a lot of student loan debt right now, plus I have a million other things I'd love to do such as going back to school to get my real estate license and really settling in my career path. And with a wedding happening next fall, I really need my focus to be on planning that event.

5. Sometimes the first step is the hardest… what’s one step you can take now on the way to realizing your dream? I think planning my wedding will be a really great first step for me to see if the event planning idea would really work. As far as the housewife lessons, I think I could start with my friends and see how it goes. Maybe someday I'll win the Mega Millions and I can afford to start all these random businesses.

Thank You

I've always been the person who has to write a thank-you note after someone gives me a gift or does something special. I've also always been under the impression that other people do this as well, but I've recently learned that's not always the case. For some reason I get a little upset when someone does not write me a thank you note, especially if I've gone out of my way to find a nice gift for them or have invited them to my home for a dinner or a party. I don't care if its hand written, an email or even a message on Facebook - its really the thought that counts. My mother raised me to believe and know that its always important to say thank you because if you don't people might not want to give you gifts anymore.

I've been to more than one wedding where I did not receive a thank you for a gift, and several bridal and baby showers. At least for those occasions it seems appropriate to send a thank you note. When you spend anywhere from 50 to 150 dollars on a gift, you expect a thank you note in return. I get a little bit mad when people expect you to buy them and their children lavish gifts and don't even bother to recognize the kind gesture. There have been several family members of mine who have been guilty of this, and other family members have stopped buying gifts for them and their children because they don't get a thank you in return. I'm considering doing the same thing.

Its especially irritating with someone who will soon be a part of my family. I'm not trying to play the game of "I got you something for your birthday, how come you got nothing for me" but with them its a little outrageous. They used birthday money for their child to buy things for themselves and expect lavish gifts for her on every holiday. For their kids first Christmas, they spent nearly $300 and wanted more gifts from everyone else in the family. I've stopped buying their kid expensive stuff because they don't appreciate it at all and never say thank you. I spent a lot of money on her baby shower gift and never got a thank you note. Am I the only person that gets annoyed by this or do I just have weird manners that don't exist in our society anymore?

This is yet another reason I feel so old fashioned, maybe thank you notes are a thing of the past, but for me they never will be!