So What Wednesday

Today I'm linking up with Life after I "Dew" for so what Wednesday.  Not gonna lie, I creep on her blog a little bit and I've seen her So What Wednesday link up on several other blogs I read.

So on this Wednesday I'm saying So What if:

I've been obsessivly checking my wedding registry to see if anyone bought me a gift for the shower.

I've been having mental breakdowns about the wedding for the last two weeks.

I got in a fight with Andrew about camping for our honeymoon (we're going to Kentucky and the Daniel Boone National Forest/Lake Cumberland/Mamoth Cave).

Andrew then told me if we save money camping, we could go out for fancy dinners every night and I wouldn't have to cook.

I then gave into said camping trip, this will be a good bonding experience I suppose.

I left the hose turned on for two hours last night because I forgot I was watering a dying bush in our yard.

What are you saying SO WHAT to this week?

Link up over at http://www.lifeafteridew.com/

and I wonder

My wedding is fast approaching and I'm getting more anxious and nervous by the minute. I've been having nightmares non-stop and some of my "favorites" include: having a sheet cake that said happy birthday, giant joker lips that wouldn't come off, frizzy hair, a dirty dress oh and this little one where the groom didn't show up!

I've been thinking a lot and wondering if married life is going to be any different.  Andrew and I have lived together for almost two years so what could be different?  Our last name will be the same, we'll have the same health insurance - I can't think of much else.
Having a family has also been weighing heavy on my mind.  I've watched several friends struggle with infertility, loose a baby to miscarriage, struggle with a sick baby and I've also seen many who make it seems so easy.  I have to admit something here: there is nothing that scares me more than starting a family.
I am petrified of the thought of being pregnant, giving birth and having to care for another human.  I don't have the option of being a stay at home mom (thanks student loans and a private college) and I can't spend all of my paycheck on daycare because how will I pay those loans?!  Its this double edged sword - if I have kids, I don't feel like I could give them what they deserve and if I don't I'll miss out on a big part of life.  Sometimes the thought of this alone makes me break down (literally) and feel like such a worthless woman....what woman really doesn't want to have kids?!

Don't get me wrong, I know people who are HAPPY not having children.  I've watched them go on nice vacations, buy nice cars and be able to do what they please when they please.  That all seems very appealing. I want to pay off my loans, our house and be able to really enjoy life.  I also feel like if I wait too much longer to make this decision, I'll be too old to have kids.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get out of writing this post, other than being able to expose this fear to my reading audience.  Is anyone else in the same boat as me?  Is there something wrong with me?

Day lilies

If anything is doing well in my yard this year, it's my day lilies.  Andrew's mom has a sort of day lily farm and we took a whole bunch and planted them next to our deck (see second to last photo).  Last year they didn't look too hot as we transplanted them late in the year, but this year they are doing great and blooming like crazy right now.  The last picture are the "ditch lilies" you know the ones you see down the side of the road, that were already existing in our yard around the telephone pole.  These are the most low maintenance flowers of all time too, no need to take off the dead heads, they come back every year (and get even bigger) and choke out the weeds! 

More of my favorites haven't bloomed yet, but they should soon.  Eventually I'd like to have these going down the whole north side of our house.

Pressure and Judgement

I've been starting to really stress out about my wedding and everything I need to get done.  I finally reached the goal for my savings account - thank goodness, and three months ahead of schedule so I can keep saving.

Last weekend, my mom, my maid of honor and her mom and myself all met over pizza to discuss the plans for my bridal shower and so I could try on my dress.  I should have been excited to finally see my dress in person for the first time in a while (we layed it away) but I could feel the pressure of my mom's judgemental eyes on me all night, almost as if she was hoping that it wouldn't fit.

It probably didn't help that I was moody from being gone all weekend camping in the heat and that she was also in a bad mood.  As she started to lace up the back of my dress, she was huffing and puffing telling me that I needed to loose 15-20 lbs because the dress "didn't fit."  I wanted to storm out of the house so bad at that moment.  I know for a fact that my weight has been about the same since we bought the dress four months ago.

I know that I'm not the weight that I want to be and its been a huge struggle for me over the last two years.  I'll get on track and then loose my way or I just quit trying for no reason.  I know I'm not the only person who has gone through this and its a REALLY hard thing for me admit.  I had all these insane goals for loosing so much weight before the wedding, until life happened.  I was miserable in my old job, found comfort coming home to a pile of junk food and laying on the couch.  It's no ones fault but my own.  I understand all this, but for some reason when my mom wants to talk about, I shut down.

She gives me the "gut stare" as we call it.  When I walk in a room, she looks me up and down and makes sure to focus extra on the parts of my body I hate.  She has been known to buy me clothes that she knows are too small in the hopes that maybe I'll want to loose weight.  My mom is also pretty thin (though if you were to ask her, she would say differently) and is really judgmental of most people who are overweight (which she denies).  After I got my dress off, we proceded to argue and I stormed out of the house. I didn't call her for a few days and I'm still pretty upset.  I didn't tell her that I started a 90 day fitness routine, that currently my fridge is full of fruit, veggies and lots of lean meats for dinner.  I feel its better to just leave it alone for now - I don't need all the pressure and judgment on top of my own personal struggle.