Eight

Eight years ago today I met someone who changed my life so much that I know I'll never forget him. I kept wondering why I was feeling so strange lately, why certain songs were just bringing me down and making me depressed. Then this morning, all of a sudden it hit me when I looked at the date.

On September 13th, 2003 I started college and in that same week I met the first person I was ever in a long term relationship with, that is until I met Andrew. The beginnings of our romance were a whirlwind, at first I wasn't too sure about him, but he kept pursuing me and got me interested. We had the best time together and I fell fast even though I knew he'd be moving thousands of miles away for school soon. I couldn't help myself, it felt so good to be wanted so much by someone. He was a very passionate person and a very emotional person. This made our relationship a rollercoaster with the fighting, breakups and long distance drama. But through it all we had this connection that neither of us could deny.

The final blow to everything happened not long after my 21st birthday, the giving back of the stuff, the weeks I spent locked in my room not eating or sleeping and the fact that still I couldn't let go. To this day, I can't even remember what led to that fight or what it was about and we never talked about it again. I know that we were both mean to one another and didn't appreciate what we had and maybe love just really wasn't enough. For a while, we tried to be friends until I started dating again. When that relationship ended, he was there to catch me and the whirlwind started again. I spent a lot of time with him and we were still pretty involved in one anothers lives until about two years ago. The last time I saw him, I was his date at a wedding. I hadn't seen him in ages and as soon as our eyes met, there were those old fireworks again. I figured that we'd get back together and that everything would be perfect this time, but he basically told me that he couldn't do the long distance relationship, it wasn't going to work. I poured my heart out to him and all of his close friends that weekend, said I knew we were meant to be and went on and on, all the while making a fool of myself.

I've obviously since found someone who completes me and makes me feel appreciated. But if I'm this much in love and going to marry someone else, why can't I finally just let go? What do I need to do to make myself forget? Every year on this day, I'm a total mess and it drives me crazy. I just want to forget, I need to forget what happened eight years ago.

A good weekend

This weekend was a pretty good one! We started out on Friday with dinner at Olive Garden which was delicious despite the annoying table next to us who had the most horrible laughs I'd ever heard. We met up with my brother and some of his friends at Classics Sports Bar afterward for a few drinks and headed home early.

Saturday I was up with the sun to go to an auction in Mt. Vernon (about an hour from my house) with Andrew's mom and sister. There were at least 30 other auctions going on Saturday but we seemed to think this one was the right pick and boy were we right! I only spent $32 and managed to get the following: a Kenmore sewing machine for $2, a very old bird bath for $10, assorted table cloths and linens for $1, an old-fashioned cake & pie carrier for $9, a pair of art deco candlesticks for $8 and a box of vintage Christmas decorations for $2! I messed with the sewing machine (it seems to work fine, just needs cleaned and a new needle) and managed to find a manual online for free. I also got a ton of free apples thanks to Andrew's brother who works at a college with an agriculture program. The apples apparently weren't big enough to sell this year so they let the employees take them!

Sunday we ran all of our errands and went to my parents for the "first annual" Sunday soup dinner. I suggested we not always have soup but maybe next time everyone brings a dish they like to eat while watching football. It was nice to spend time with my family and grandparents. My grandpa seems to be doing a lot better, his hair is even growing back! He's got a ton of bright white peach fuzz and it looks pretty cute.

Today I had lunch with my maid of honor and browsed the bridesmaids dresses at Davids Bridal (which reminded me why I hate that store so much). They didn't have a single dress that either of us liked because everything was strapless. I came home and got started on freezing my huge box of apples, I managed to do 8 quart bags and I'm still not done. I gave up for the night in favor of eating dinner and going to the gym. My working out is going well and I've been more energetic and really sticking with my routine!

On the agenda for this week: Working the next 4 days, meeting with our wedding photographer Wednesday night, continuing with my work out routine and celebrating all of the October birthdays with Andrew's family next weekend!

Goin to the chapel (in a year)

Exactly one year from today I'll be getting ready for our noon wedding! I cannot believe that time has flown by so quickly because it still seems like yesterday that we got engaged! I'm bubbling over with excitement envisioning myself walking down the isle to the man of my dreams!

A few fun quotes I found about marriage:

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." - Rita Rudner

"A man marries a woman to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing." - W. Somerset Maugham

"Like a good wine - marriage gets better with age, once you learn to put a cork in it." - Gene Perret

chicken

My brother bought 6 freshly hatched chicks in early spring, 3 barred rocks and 3 golden comets that had a 97% chance of being females. Of the 50 chickens that the store sold, there was only one rooster in the bunch and Adam was lucky enough to get him. We knew pretty quick he was different since he grew twice as fast and his tail started to fill in different. Needless to say, in true Rooster fashion, Mr. Cogburn is a nasty little guy. He's really beautiful and can crow with the best of them, but you better watch out when he's roaming with his 5 ladies.

Just today, he laid into my grandma (my brother is keeping the chickens in a coop he built at their house) and got her good in the leg with his spur. Adam is putting him in Craigslist to trade for more hens as we speak. The hens should be laying eggs soon and I can't wait to get some of the eggs since free-range organic eggs at the store are so expensive.

I'd love to have a little flock of chickens of my own, but they are a lot more work than people might think and with my crazy work hours I know I wouldn't have the time. Hopefully Mr. Cogburn finds a nice home with a new flock of ladies to protect.

End of the year Goals

I didn't really start this year off with any goals in mind (other than finding a job). Now that its September, which I can hardly believe, I've decided to set some goals that I'm hoping to accomplish by the end of the year:

1) Consistently work out: I finally have a gym membership so for $30 a month, I better use it as much as I can!

2) Find a new job: I'm really praying hard this is going to happen before the holidays so I don't have to work on Thanksgiving and New Years Eve/New Years Day.

3) Read at least three books: I'm working on one right now, not sure yet about the other two. I'm thinking "Place of Yes" by Bethany Frankel will be one of them for sure :)

4) Get the deposit paid for the reception tent and find a caterer for the wedding: I MUST do these things in the next month....as well as meeting with the photographer and going to try dresses on so I can make sure I still want the style I've picked for my mom to make. We'll have to start on the dress come January.

5) Try some new recipes: I've tried two in the last couple months, one was excellent (Ruben Casserole from Andrew's mom) and the other sucked (crunchy onion chicken). I've been saving recipes from Martha Stewart, Taste of Home and Country Living for months but have yet to try making any of them.

6) Keep eating healthy: I've been good about this one lately and want to continue.

7) Get organized: My house has been turned upside down since Andrew and I have both been working so much. I cannot stand the piles of clutter, how I never seem to find/make time to put laundry away and the dog hair tumbleweeds rolling across the floor. When I get home at 8pm, cleaning is the last thing I want to be doing.

8) Maintain a positive attitude: I really have to work on this and I really don't want anything to stop me from being less bitchy and depressed. I know once winter comes, this is going to be difficult because the weather makes me feel awful. But I have Christmas to look forward to and our 4 year anniversary so hopefully these things will keep me positive!

I'm sure I could think of more goals, but I think this is a good start for now. What do you want to accomplish before 2012?

How Amanda got her groove back

I think I'm finally "setting the sun" on my negative attitude, which would explain the above photo (which I took on our evening fishing trip a few weekends ago). After multiple tufts and arguments with my mom and Andrew about my attitude, many nights crying on the way home from work and sleepless nights, I've decided I need to check my attitude at the door.

So what exactly was bothering me? Well, it was a lot of things, my job isn't exactly anything I'm passionate about and I know I'm capable of a lot more. I feel like we just can't seem to get ahead financially and its in part because of my job/student loans. I'm worried about how we'll pay for our wedding since my family can't help much due to my dad loosing his job almost two years ago. The job situation is just something I have to deal with till something better comes along, I'm not going to get my hopes up about every single job interview or phone screening at work anymore.

Money also isn't going to be such a big worry. I've lived without much for a long time so I should be used to this by now. I think its harder now that we have a house and I want it to be nice. Our couch is literally falling apart and if it does we might sit on lawn chairs till we can afford something. Andrew hates to finance things that aren't a house or a car and the last thing we need is another bill.

We also joined our local YMCA this week and working out again has given me a better attitude. I sleep better and have more energy during the day. I've cut out a lot of bad foods and decided that once on the weekends we'll splurge. I'm tired of feeling down about my body and my weight.

I know its going to take a lot to keep my positive attitude going but for once I'm going to make it happen!

It's a new day!

So after my rather depressing post, I'm happy to say that I'm feeling quite a bit better. I've had a few rough days at work this week but I'm trying not to let it get to me. I had the day off work and went thrift store shopping with Andrew's sister in law, nothing makes me feel better like retail therapy and getting a good deal! I scored (for $32): two pairs of jeans, six shirts for Andrew, a long vintage wool winter coat, corduroy blazer, two sweaters and a cookbook. I stocked up on health food at the grocery store and came home to make a Mexican feast for dinner.

We also joined the local YMCA tonight and I can't wait to start getting in better shape. The Y isn't all the fancy and doesn't have a pool but they offer Zumba, spinning and toning classes all included with our membership. The best part is that for both of us to be members only costs $31!!

I'm on the hunt for a different job as well and trying to suck it up and do my best at the job I have - it might suck but I just have to stay positive. I have a hard time remembering that I am only 25 and just starting out in my career. I know things can only get better and after watching my dad struggle with unemployment for 15 months, I'm thankful to at least have a job, whether I like it or not!

Thanks to all my faithful readers for your amazing comments and support - it means the world to me!!!

so about that positive attitude

My goal of having a good attitude this week totally went into the toilet yesterday. I've become so frustrated at this point that I can hardly control my emotions and its starting to get really annoying.

Yesterday was an insane day at work, busy, crazy and there were lots of moody/annoyed people yelling at me. Throughout the day, I was texting back and forth with Andrew about my wanting/needing a new car, things we need to buy and how we're broke as a joke. I'm so tired of feeling like we will never get ahead and thinking about all the stuff we need just makes it worse. I got depressed thinking about the recent job opportunity that I didn't get, how I hardly make any money and I feel like everything with my career is a dead end. I've got a piece of paper worth over $70,000 that hasn't done me any good. Sometimes I think I should have bought a house instead of going to college to be quite honest.

Then to top it off, Andrew's brother (who works at the same place as me and doesn't have a degree), got a promotion and raise. He constantly brags about doing nothing at work and here I am busting my butt and I can't even get an interview. I know I sound bitter and bitchy, but I just can't help it. He's worked here a little longer than me, but still I just don't feel like its fair.

I cried the whole way home from work, so hard that I could hardly see to drive. I hardly said two words to Andrew last night, I just layed my head on his shoulder and sobbed. I didn't even know how to explain to him why I couldn't stop crying.

I think its been building up inside of me for so long, the feelings of just total disappointment with my career are eating away at me. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I don't want to see my friends or even talk to them on the phone - I know that this is depression in its purest form and I hate that I've let it come back into my life. I'm hoping that spending time with a good college friend this weekend will help along with going to the walk for Ovarian Cancer on Sunday (although that's emotional too because of the women we've lost this year). I'm open to any suggestions on how to make myself feel better or if its time to seek professional help. Thanks to all of you who read this and leave such wonderful comments!

Getting back to me

I've posted a lot recently about my lack of "me time" or even "free time" and I hate feeling like work has taken over my life. Right now, I'm currently the only day shift person working my position at the hospital. Until they hire someone new I don't have to work weekends, but I'm still required to work my two 8 hour shifts and two 12's so for a brief time I'll have a "normal" schedule. It will be nice to have the same days off and to have at least three weekday evenings to cook dinner and relax with Andrew.

I've decided that no matter what happens, I need to get back to the "me time" and focusing a little more on myself. I'm tired of feeling bad about the way I look or the attitude I've had about life recently. I know that I'm the only person who can change this attitude and this funk that I've gotten myself into.

I've been depressed about my job.
I've been depressed about the way I look.
I am jealous of other people my age advancing quickly in their careers.
I sometimes feel my degree was a waste of money.
I feel like we're never going to get ahead.

These are the most common negative thoughts that run through my head constantly. My goal for this week is to quit thinking like this all together.

I've also started reading a great diet book, "This is why you're fat" by Jackie Warner and after only reading the first three chapters, my attitude feels a little better. I know what I need to do to change the way I look and feel and it can only get better from here.

Catch up

Please let me start by saying I've been a terrible blogger and a lot has been going on. There may be good/bad news coming on my job front soon, I'll find out tomorrow and I'm going to try and post something about it! My grandpa's latest round of chemo is kicking him hard and he's been pretty sick, major bummer. But in the good news department, we're spending Labor Day weekend camping and I'm finally going to see the Ohio Reformatory in Mansfield, OH where Shawshank Redemption was filmed!

Also, in a little over a year we'll be getting married! Sometimes I still look down at my ring (especially this week since I had it cleaned really well on Saturday) and I'm in disbelief! I need to get back into wedding planning mode - start looking for caterers, put a deposit on our tent, meet with my photographer and go over the invitations with a good friend from my volunteer work. My little savings account is racking up a nice balance and I'm hoping something good will happen in the job department so I can put away even more money. My mom and I are planning a day to go try on dresses so that I'm 100% sure I want the style my heart is set on. I'm not really all that excited about trying dresses on because no one has a dress that I want. The general look will be something like this one.

Other than that, not much has been going on. I've been so exhausted lately and I can't seem to find a minute to do something for myself. I barely have time to hang out with my friends or even see my family. I really need something to give or change in my life so that I can get back to being me. Everything seems to be thrown on the back-burner, including one thing that's driving me crazy - loosing this weight! Maybe I need a good kick in the pants for motivation......I just don't know how much longer I can keep feeling bad about myself. Hopefully this weekend will put things back in perspective and I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel.