Friday, October 2, 2009

My heart

As happy as I've been lately, with moving into the house finally and feeling independent, my heart seems to be longing for something and I'm not sure what it is. I find myself missing a lot of things lately and I'm not sure what they are but I have this slight ache in my heart that just won't go away. The 29th would have been my 6 year anniversary with my only other serious boyfriend. I still think about it every year on 9/29 - all of the what-could-have-beens and it sometimes makes me feel sad. I miss some things about him, but find that I love Andrew a million times more and for many different reasons. 3 1/2 years was a long time to be with someone though and he and I shared a lot of our lives with one another. He was there when I was diagnosed with depression, I was there when his beloved Grandpa died and there were happy times too. I have not seen him in a very long time and we talked once, a few years ago on my 22nd birthday soon after Andrew and I started dating. I always hope that he is alright and that he too finds love and no matter what happened between the two of us, I want him to be happy.

Part of me feels like I have this ache because I want so badly to be married to Andrew. I know that is not the most important thing in the world, but I want it so much that sometimes it hurts me too. I try not to think about it, I want Andrew to ask me when the time is right and I don't want to pressure him about it. I already sort of feel like a wife and I think about how it will be different when we really are married and I get really excited. I want to share a last name, I want to be a part of each others families and I long to have a family of our own. Maybe I am getting too worked up about it and with time it will all fall into place, but I can't make myself stop thinking about how I would like for things to be. I try not to talk about it, but its hard after several of his family members have told me he has talked to his parents about our getting engaged, yet he never talks about it to me. He just jokes and I think its because he doesn't want me to keep bringing it up, because he wants more than anything for it to be a surprise and something that he planned and did all on his own.

Maybe I'll get over this little bump in my emotions, but for now I'll just keep close watch on my heart......

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